But part of my decision to start writing this everyday was to be honest with myself about who I really am, where my life really is, and keep a clean account. Because if I airbrush it or spin it (which I am all too good at doing) I won't get to really SEE it. Who I am, now, as opposed to who I could be, given my potential.
I got some good advice today about selfishness. I'd been feeling kind of guilty about a little shopping spree at Lush, during which I spent upwards of $20 on frou frou organic bath soaps. I mean, come on. I can make soap from nettles in the wilderness! I can go months without bathing altogether! What on earth was I thinking, spending $20 on BATH PRODUCTS? And also I was feeling guilty about, you know, some other stuff. But speaking with my brave, wonderful, wise friends tonight put it all into perspective.
For five years I did not take a SINGLE shower on my own. There was always some baby or other crawling around in there with me. For five years there was not a moment in all the day or night that was my own. I could be overruled at any time, superseded by the greater needs of a toddler or nursing child or teary preschooler or irate husband. And there is nothing wrong with this. It is all part of life. But isn't it true then, also, that when one partakes in one's first solo bath in over 5 years nothing is wrong with making a bit of a celebration out of it?
I have always been prickly about other people "taking care" of me. Independence has always been a cornerstone of my constitution. But it is beginning to dawn on me that if I won't let anyone else take care of me, I might just have to take on the job myself.
Which might entail eating something other than doughnuts tomorrow.
And I am not going to go back and edit out my whininess. Because , for now, that's who I am. Blech.